


You Had One Job

by In_Much_Stress



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anyways, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Dildos, Dream is so horny, Fandom Negativity, House Cleaning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, No Beta We Die Like Endermen, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Porn with Feelings, Romantic Comedy, Shower Sex, You Have Been Warned, also a lot of dildos, because they're two stupid idiots, enjoy the nightmare antis, here's a scary thing for your poor little holier-than-thou brains, i guess, inspired by House Flipper, more porn, screeching our lungs out, there's a lot of dick jokes, well you thought wrong, yes you read that with your own two eyes, you bitches thought Halloween ended, you fuckos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:26:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27345034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Much_Stress/pseuds/In_Much_Stress
Summary: Techno and Dream needed money for their house after they got kicked out of their respective families for being together. Their solution is to clean other people's houses for money. Techno can't even begin to process how much of a bad idea this is.OR what happens when I can't sleep and stay up playing House Flipper until 3AM.Please heed the tags and rating. I shouldn't need to be telling you this.KEEP IN MIND that this was made for us, shippers, and us only and you should not show this to either CC unless given clear and enthusiastic consent. Also, if you're gonna waste your time telling me to stop, I want you to think for a second and go find something to do with your life, because you ain't righteous and you sure ain't protecting anyone, Anti.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 702





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Did you know I'm bad at writing porn? Now you do.

“I can't believe I'm doing this.”

“Do you want the money or not?”

“But this is _degrading,_ Dream! We're cleaning someone else's house when we barely can afford to keep ours clean!”

“We are cleaning someone's house so we _can_ afford to keep ours clean. Now chop-chop, this place ain't gonna clean itself.”

Technoblade grunts as Dream opens the front door of their client's house. There are more keychains than keys and they jiggle like a symphony from the depths of his personal Hell. The door makes enough noise to put a sinner screaming bloody murder to shame, and their first view of the inside of the house already proves that this is a terrible idea. Beer cans, candy wrappings, papers, plastic cups, rests of cigarettes and, well, he's going to give it to the people in this house, at least they practice safe sex.

All this place is missing is some fire and "abandon hope all ye who enter here" written above the entrance.

“I have seen dumpsters that are cleaner than this house.”

Well, at least he gets to hear his boyfriend let out that cute laughter of his.

“Yes, well, Shirley said she threw a party yesterday, so…”

“Oh, yeah, I can tell _exactly_ what type of party they had here.” Techno answers, gesturing to the very obviously phallic object peeking out from under the mess.

“Good thing I brought gloves, then~!”

“Please, can't we do _anything_ else? Walking dogs, selling lemonade, trafficking drugs, becoming assassins for hire…? There's a lot of options.”

“And we choose to _clean houses,_ so get to it.” Dream lightly hits Techno's head with his broom before opening the door of the living room and skipping his way inside.

“Fine, but I'm going to complain the whole time.” The pinkett calls out, knowing he'll be heard. And, of course, he's right when his lover laughs loudly. Technoblade sighs, not bothering to wipe off the lovesick smile on his face, and outs on the gloves his boyfriend had so graciously offered. Here goes nothing.

* * *

“No! Dammit!”

“And I’m the winner, which means you get the _joy_ to clean that bathroom.”

“Rematch!”

“Dream, we’ve played five rounds of three, we’re not getting paid to play rock, paper and scissors all day.”

“I don’t wanna go inside that room… Technooooo…!”

“Whine all you want, but do it while cleaning the bathroom. I’d die for you, but that _monstrosity_ is where I draw the line.”

“Some boyfriend you are.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

“Techno!”

“Yeah?”

“I found another rubberdick!”

“Are you sure you didn’t just find a mirror?”

“...”

“Ow! Did you just throw a goddamn orange dick at my head?”

“Why your head in the way of my orange dick, nerd?”

“...I can’t even begin to think of how to answer that.”

* * *

“Good Lord, there’s dumpsters, then there is this house.”

“I never thought I’d see a place even more trashed than Bad’s house during _that_ party the last year of highschool.”

“We don’t talk about _that_ party, Dream, that’s the rule.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve never seen _you_ more trashed than—”

“Lalalalala. Can’t hear you over the sound of my amazing cleaning skills.”

* * *

“Is that…?”

“Yep.”

“On the ceiling?”

“Yep.”

“Are you gonna do something about it?”

“Nope.”

“Rock, paper and scissors?”

“You're on.”

* * *

“It’s incredible how this house is so repulsive that you’re ignoring your raging fear of spiders for the sake of cleaning it. Really inspiring.”

“There are spiders?!”

“Oh, so you just didn’t notice.”

“Techno!”

“Yeah, yeah, murderer of spiders on his way.”

* * *

“This is not funny, stop laughing. It’s just a pink dildo, it being pink doesn’t immediately means it’s mine, for fuck’s sake, stop your deflating, _Dream!”_

“Technodick! Technocock! Oh, I know: _Technodong!”_

“Stop giving it names related to mine!”

_“Penisnoblade!”_

“Dream!”

* * *

“Tech, I think I found something truly amazing.”

“If it is another rubberdick, I _swear…”_

“No, no, I found a half full bottle of booze.”

“That _is_ amazing.”

“Right?”

“I would tell you to take it, since we probably are too sober for this, but I don’t know what type of diseases those people have and I don’t want to find out.”

“... there’s an unopened bottle here, also.”

“Ok, _that_ one you can take.”

“We’re not getting drunk on the job, Techno!”

“No one said _drunk._ We can just get very very _not sober.”_

* * *

“Where do we put the dicks?”

“Put ‘em on the table near the front door to remind Sheila—”

 _“Shirley,_ Techno. Her name is Shirley.”

“To remind _Sheirley_ of her sins.”

“... Okay.”

* * *

Technoblade is actually having fun. Sure, cleaning can get really boring and tiring, and cleaning for other people is a whole new level of _“fuck that”—and_ this goddamn house is an entire new level of a “fuck you” to God, and nothing will convince the pinkett that _Shierlay_ isn't Satan—, but he's with his boyfriend, so it's not as bad as it could be.

Besides, he's glad Dream is so energetic today. He's been a bit gloomy ever since they got kicked out of their respective houses—or, more accurately, Dream got kicked out because of homophobes while Techno ain't letting no rich asshole marry him off as if they still lived in the seventeenth century—and while he had tried to hide it, Techno can see right through him. The power of five years of love, or something. What matters is that despite the fact they barely have any money for themselves—using most of their savings to pay for their college—, that their house is a room and a bathroom and looks like the perfect place for holding a hostage, that they have to work their asses off and that they probably won't get to see their families so early—though Techno doesn't doubt their siblings are going to find them soon or later, specially Drista, since “driven” seems to be a family trait—, Dream is _laughing_ and _having fun_ and smiling that super bright smile that makes Techno want to sit down and stare, and if Dream is enjoying himself, then all is right in the world.

Like now, the blonde is humming some random song in his head as he finishes the main bedroom. The room was surprisingly clean when they first checked around the house, no cans or bottles, no dildos, no used condoms glued to the ceiling… _Sheirlaley_ at least had the decency to keep her bedroom safe from whatever the hell happened last night.

Anyways, Dream is humming while he makes the bed, a happy tune to go with his slight smile and shining eyes. He even bounces a little bit in place, almost giving Techno a heart attack of cuteness, and the older—by a few months, but still the perfect way to annoy the blonde—man can't help the low chuckle that leaves him, which alerts the other of his presence.

“Hi! Did you finish?”

“Yep. I now have enough fuel for my nightmares to last the rest of my life.”

Dream giggles, and _oh._ Techno missed that. It's been some time since his boyfriend giggled, a cutesy little thing that basically made the pinkett fall in love at first sight all those years ago.

“Well, I'm almost done, so if you want to sit down somewhere and wait…”

“Nah, I'll stay here and enjoy the show.”

The blonde gives him a squinted glare, lips pressed in a smile, and when he turns, he makes sure to wiggle his backside a little bit, because just the view of him in his jeans shorts wasn't tantalizing enough.

The pinkett leans on the doorframe, crossing his arms, as he watches the other meticulously make the bed like he does theirs. You'd think Dream is the type to just throw his bedsheets over the mattress and call it a day, but that's very much not true. It has probably something to do with how he can't stay still for too long and organizing things is the perfect task to keep moving without having to think too much. Watching his lover walk around a double bed and smooth down wrinkles on the sheets makes him daydream about having a big bed for themselves, inside a big bedroom in a nice house.

As he walks up to his boyfriend, Techno promises to himself that he will do whatever he can to give Dream that reality, even if it means cleaning a thousand radiation chambers like this.

“Techno?” The younger days curiously, curving his back a little as Techno's hands run up and down his back a few times before snucking under his loose shirt—definitely one of Techno’s—to grasp his waist. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

Thanks to the blond’s relaxed stance, Technoblade is able to move him easily, turning him around and shoving him on the bed. Dream falls with a little yelp, bouncing a little bit, and Techno drinks up greedly the view of his boyfriend throw haphazardly on a mattress, his shoulder-length made of hair surrounding his head like a golden halo, his long legs contrasting with the dark comforter, his soft lips parted and green eyes wide. The pinkett wastes no time, quickly taking his place above the warm body, chests touching and noses brushing.

“Techno?!”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just…” He kisses a freckled cheek, then the bridge of a freckled nose, then another freckled cheek until he gets to Dream’s ear, where he blows gently, relishing on the shivers that action sends down his lover’s body. “One day, you’ll have a bed even better than this one. So comfortable that it won’t matter how hard I fuck you, you’ll be able to stay in it all day after.”

“Oh, my God. Did those dicks get to your head?” Dream tries to joke, but he can’t hide the sharp intake of breath when the pinkett bites his earlobe.

“I’ll give you a big bed with nice sheets.”

“And fluffy pillows?”

“All the pillows you want.”

“Sounds nice… but what if _I_ want to give it all to _you?”_

Techno huffs, a stupidly fond and amused huff, shaking his head lightly at the almost petulant tone of his boyfriend. He moves so his red eyes can be seen by green ones, his hands making their way under the other’s shirt and up his chest. The startled twitch followed by a pleased sigh as his fingers touch Dream’s nipples is a reaction he can never have enough of. Techno dives in for a kiss, a long and dragged out kiss that leaves both of them breathless and _wanting._

“Then it’s a gift from us to us.” He mumbles against his boyfriend’s lips, swallowing the moan that leaves his blonde’s lips when he grinds down against him at the same time his thumbs roll pink nipples.

“Techno—aah—wait! We can’t!”

“It’s nothing these walls haven’t seen, doll.”

“That’s—” Dream moans loudly as Techno bites down his neck, pushing on the pinkett’s shoulders weakly “—not the point! We’re going to get the sheets dirty!”

“We can wash them.” Techno reminds, making his way down until he’s able to lick one of his lover’s perky nipples. The moan that follows is music to his ears.

“Hgn! Shirley might see us!”

“She said four in the afternoon, and it’s only two. Plenty of time~” Techno hums, twirling his tongue on the other nipple before sucking on it lightly, making the slim body under his tremble and buckle against him. His own grunt tastes delicious in his mouth when mixed with Dream’s warm skin.

“Ah! _Technoblade!”_

 _That_ finally makes Technoblade stop his ministrations, taking his previous place above his boyfriend, and the view does not let him down. Dream’s lips are open and kissed, his green eyes are glazed over, and his face is painted a very strong shade of red. He’s so gorgeous, Techno wonders what the hell he did to get such a man to date him so he can keep doing it for the rest of their lives. Dream bites his lips, and Techno groans internally with how much he wants to continue, immediate future be damned. Instead he smiles softly, lowering himself so he can kiss the blonde again.

“Fine, fine.” He gives in, moving to get off of his boyfriend.

Only to get stopped by a pair of legs around his waist. He looks back at his boyfriend, who's hiding his very red face with his hands, an eyebrow raised and a smirk growing. He touches the marvelous thighs of his lover, running his fingers lovingly on the smooth skin, scratching it with his nails, delighting in the feel of trembling legs.

“Dream?” He purrs, getting a muffled whimper and some words he can't understand. Techno drapes himself atop his lover again, making sure to grind down on him. “I need you to speak up, babydoll.”

“There's…” Dream's voice shakes and he swallows. “There's some lube in the nightstand's drawer… there might be an unopened one…”

“Well, aren’t you naughty?”

Dream whines again, this time shoving Techno’s face away from him with both hands, but the pinkett only laughs. His grip on his doll’s wrists is tender, just as the kisses he distributes freely on the pretty hands he loves so much.

“How about this, babydoll: I’ll go look for it while you take off these?” He emphasizes his point by tugging on the dark green shirt—yep, definitely one of his, Dream usually favors brighter shades and tighter fabrics.

All he needs is his boyfriend to nod and he’s getting up. He misses the feeling of those wonderful legs around him already, however he is patient, knowing it will feel even better once they’re against his bare skin. So he gets up and makes his way to the night stand, crouching a little to have a better view of the drawer. Much like Dream said, there are tubes of lube enough that he can barely see the wood of the drawer, but more importantly, instead of thrown in with abandon, they’re all perfectly organized. One look and he can tell which ones haven’t been opened. He can also tell just  _ who _ organized that.

Techno wants to laugh, but when he looks over his boyfriend any sound that he could have made is lost in his throat. He’s sure he’s had this exact same dream before: Dream sprawled on the large bed, waiting for him with his legs open and half-lidded eyes, practically gifting himself to Techno without a care.

Dream is ethereal, and Technoblade is a religious man, but he  _ aches  _ to worship him.

“One of these days, you’re going to kill me.” Techno practically growls, hastily taking off his own clothes so he can take his place above the gorgeous man he’s lucky to call his. Dream immediately takes him in his arms with a satisfied hum, and Techno was absolutely right, the legs around him feel much better without his clothes in the way.

“You’re not allowed to die.”

“Yessir.”

The blonde laughs, a little breathless and a whole lot turned on. The pinkett wastes no time, smearing lube on his fingers and promptly starting the preparation. While his fingers are busy, his mouth leaves trails of kisses, bites and hickeys on Dream’s shoulders, neck and chest. Two fingers in, and the sighs become low whines, his body arching deliciously against Techno’s. Three fingers in, and breathy moans accompany the whining, only to be cut off by a loud groan when the fingers twist. His boyfriend opens so beautifully for him, it takes almost no time before he’s switching his fingers for his cock.

“Techno…!”

“You’re doing so good, babydoll. Can you feel how easily I can fill you? Like you were made for me.”

He would love to watch himself disappear inside his doll, but said man had other thoughts, fervent lips bringing his to a searing kiss, then another, then another. Long nails scratch his back, and he cares not if they end up digging on his flesh and making him bleed, he will carry those marks with the same joy as he will carry those memories. He takes a second to savor the feel of being fully inside his lover before he pulls out almost all the way and thrusts back in.

The pace is maddeningly slow and Technoblade  _ loves _ it. He loves the feeling of his skin dragging against Dream’s, the knowledge he’s the one making the man under him tremble and arch against his body, the sensation of friction as he moves in and out leisurely, the slow and breathtaking kisses. There is no bed creaking, no loud moaning, no persistent sound of skin hitting skin, but the air is charged and each touch feels like a thousand volts.

He can’t wait until they have their own house with a nice bedroom and a big bed.

They’ll make good use of it, he’ll make sure of it.

* * *

“Oh, you even washed the sheets!”

“Yeah, some of the cleaning product got on it and we didn’t want to risk it staining.”

Technoblade does his best to keep his poker face as he watches Sharon—Sheila? Shirley? Shorei?—praise their hard work while handing his boyfriend the money. Honestly, he should be asking for much more after the horrors they had to face every time they opened a door, but Dream had glared at him when he suggested that, and Techno is no fool. He likes both his heads exactly where they are, thank you very much.

“Thank you again!” The woman’s smile turns mischievous as her eyes scan the obviously fresh marks on Dream’s neck, exposed by the loose shirt. “Maybe next time you two can come when we’re dirtying up the place…?”

Dream tenses, getting so red even his ears look like strawberries. Techno glares.

“Listen, Sharon—”

“Shirley.”

_ “Shairloney,  _ I’m not getting paid to judge you, but if you want I can do it for free.”

“Ok, ok, I got the memo!” The woman only laughs while raising her hands in surrender, unbothered by everything as the lunatic she probably is. “But if I need the house cleaned again…?”

“Pay us double and we might even deal with the garden.”

“Good to know~”

With that, the couple waves goodbye to Shirlaron and walks away. Last thing they hear is the woman’s loud laughter, no doubt finally taking notice of the table full of rubberdicks at the entrance. Techno shakes his head, taking his boyfriend’s hand in his.

He’s not religious, but tonight he might pray to get a normal client next time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pulling a Disney and making sudden shitty sequels is my new jam, it seems

Thing is, Technoblade is _fucking hot._

Yes, yes, call Dream a simp, he cannot ever deny it. But it’s hard _not to_ when your hunk of a boyfriend swings that sledgehammer, hitting the wall and making it crumble with his strength alone. And he is shirtless, so one can see all the hard muscles moving under his skin each movement, and watch as sweat runs down his torso, some droplets hiding in the happy trail his low hanging pants left exposed.

Dream might be drooling a little, but no one can judge him. That is _his_ man and he is _so fucking hot,_ the blonde feels like dropping to his knees and blowing his boyfriend right now and here, in the middle of their client’s living room with said client and the demolished wall as witnesses.

Instead he glues his legs together, trying to ease his needy cock by rubbing his thighs against the other. God, he is so horny it’s unbelievable. No amount of “honeymoon phase” can explain why both him and his boyfriend barely can keep their hands off each other almost everyday, and even though they both have peak physical forms—as demonstrated by Technoblade taking down an entire wall by himself, like, _holy damn—,_ it’s clear they are dangerously close to their limits. Yet they still _crave_ each other like a greedy man craves power. And it’s no different as he sits on the stool, taking a break after helping the client with cleaning the other rooms, a pink popsicle between his lips.

Because Dream is a cliche bitch. And Techno’s minute shuddering every time the blonde makes a loud sucking noise is _heavenly._

The client, a beautiful young lady by the name of Loren, is sitting on another stool to his left, a soda on her hands. She’s ogling Techno like he was the last piece of meat in town, and Dream doesn’t blame her. The part of him that isn’t busy being horny or fighting the horny is filled with smugness for she can ogle all she wants, her pretty nails will never touch that man. Because that delicious man is _Dream’s._

“Done.”

Techno puts the sledgehammer down, breathing a little heavy with the amount of effort he just put in bringing the wall down. God, Dream wants to lick his glistering skin. His thoughts must have shown on his face, because the heated yet troubled look in Techno’s eyes sends shivers down his spine.

“Thank you so much!” Loren says once she snaps out of her trance, putting the soda can down on the counter. “Now all that is left is the garden, but that I can do by myself.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure! You can leave the hammer there, my brother will take care of it when he comes back.” She smiles at Dream, and if she was an anime character, he’s sure her glasses would be glinting as she grabs her phone. “Thank you for the good job, I’m transferring the money right now!”

“Thank _you,_ Loren.” The blonde stretches, winking at his boyfriend who rolls his eyes fondly. “Then we should get going. Someone needs a good shower and I need my bed.”

Not because he’s tired, though, but because he is so very horny that if he doesn’t get some alone time soon enough, he might explode.

“You can shower here, as a thanks for the extra cleaning work. I can wash your clothes while you shower, just leave them outside.”

“No, it’s fine. We shouldn’t impose.”

“It’s not imposing if I’m offering, Techno. Really, you can go, it’ll make me feel better.”

It takes some convincing, a lot of sultry looks and coy smiles from Dream, but ultimately Technoblade accepts their client’s generous offer, unmaking his ponytail as he walks towards the bathroom. Dream waits until the dirty clothes are thrown on the floor outside the bathroom and the door closes with a click to face Loren, making his suspicion obvious. But all Loren does is offer him a small key with a smirk.

“What do you want?”

“You’re friends with SapNap, right?”

“When and where?”

“Next Sunday at noon, amusement park.”

“Consider it done.” He huffs, grabbing the key from the girl’s hand. “If something happens to him, I’ll burn this house down.”

“After what you're about to do, might as well.”

Oh, he likes her.

* * *

It’s warm inside the bathroom thanks to his lover’s love for warm showers, Dream can already feel the fog sticking to his naked skin. Talking about him, Technoblade has his back to the door, soaked head to toe and ready to be eaten up.

“You need to shower properly, babe.”

“Wha—?!” Techno startles, turning around quickly only to be shoved against a cold tiled wall. “Dream?!”

“What? Can’t I help my boyfriend clean himself?”

Proving his point, Dream grabs the soap bar, soaping his hands generously before running them against Techno’s heated skin. Skilled fingers leisurely wash off the dust and sweat, roaming freely wherever they please, sometimes teasingly scratching the sensitive flesh to draw out a shuddering breath out of the pinkette. Techno only watches him, red eyes burning intensely, yet his body relaxes at the relatively innocent actions of the blonde.

How cute.

Dream rinses him off with the little showerhead, and as soon as it is back in its place, he attacks. Techno moans, something lewd, guttural and  _ needy,  _ but the blonde takes his sweet time biting a mark on his lover’s neck. His hands immediately find the pinkette’s nipples, and a good pinch makes the taller man—by an inch or two, the asshole—buck his hips against Dream’s, making his erection painfully clear.

“This is your fault, you know?” Dream explains in between biting and sucking Techno’s neck, shoulders, and torso—paying special attention to his pink nipples—all the way down to his lower belly, just near enough his dick for the anticipation to make him squirm. “After that one time, I really can’t stop thinking about doing this again. You kinky, kinky boy, take responsibility.”

“Dream—”

“What, no ‘babydoll’ this time around?”

“Son of a—”

“Shh, don't spoil my fun, Techno.”

Dream smiles up at his boyfriend, biting hard on the flesh of Techno's belly, right above the already dripping rock hard erection. Techno's chest looks much better now that's littered with hickeys, scratches and bitemarks, pink niples perked and abused. He's breathing hard, eyes hazy, mouth open, face flushed, even pinker than his hair, and Dream is proud to say that he is the cause behind it, licking the new mark slowly, eyes not leaving the crimson of his boyfriend's.

Teasingly, he touches the pinkette's dick lightly with a finger, dragging it down the pulsating flesh in a burning caress, watching as the man shoves his back against the cold tiles, but still thrusts his hips forwards, closing his mouth with a click in a desperate attempt to keep quiet. Dream licks the head, allowing his tongue to take its time tasting the precum.

“What a dirty boy you are, pet. To be this excited already, were you fantasizing about this? Were you daydreaming about me doing this? Were you about to get off by thinking of us doing this here? Or maybe is this the result of me showering you, pet?”

Techno doesn't answer, both of them knowing he won't be able to be quiet if he as much as opens his mouth, but his trembling thighs and heaving chest are enough answer. Dream smiles as wickedly as he feels, licking the cock in his hands from base to end like a lollipop, jokingly ghosting his teeth on the sensitive end.

“Then how about we make your dreams reality?”

* * *

“Thanks again and have a safe trip!” Loren waves from the front door at the couple making their way outside, now armed with clean clothes and painted with loving bruises. “Next time, let’s go on a double date!”

Dream waves back at her, chuckling at her confidence. He will already have enough trouble to get SapNap to go on a date with a girl SapNap himself barely knows even though she is a work colleague of his, so he won’t be meddling with their affairs any time soon. If she does hurt his friend, however, he  _ might _ bring down the rest of the walls.  _ Might. _ There are many other ways to deal with that situation shall it ever come.

“Are you two friends?” Techno asks, grabbing his hand as they walk back to their little house. Dream snorts, swinging their linked hands.

“Nah, more like business partners.”


End file.
